Don't Hire Zombie Pirates to Redecorate Your House

Finally, the long drawn out 1995 storyline came crashing to a close...

..and I think the best part about the whole thing was that, even though Barnabas and Julia knew EXACTLY what was going to happen to Collinwood and they had a dozen clues to work with, they were able to prevent absolutely, positively nothing...

Were they able to prevent the death of the children?

No...

Were they able to prevent the death of Daphne?

No...

Were they able to prevent zombie pirates from busting into Collinwood and breaking shit?

Definitely not...

Personally, I applaud the deaths of David and Hallie...man, were those two annoying during that storyline. And what happened to the whole Roxanne is a vampire storyline? The writers just sort of forgot about it toward the end there. Roxanne was still locked inside Barnabas's secret wall, for goodness sake! The only positive of the whole thing was when Maggie got bussed off to the looney bin, never to return...

And how about those zombie pirates tearing that place apart? How funny was that?! There was this one point when one zombie pirate throws a pair of pants or something and they land on another zombie pirate's head! Classic...

Now Julia is trapped in 1840 by herself...oh, I can only imagine the facial expressions we're going to be treated to...

Collinwood: The House Where Common Sense goes to Die

Oh, it's been rough, ladies and gentlemen, it's been rough...

I'm struggling to get through this 1995 storyline. I was warned about the Leviathans (which I didn't think was all that bad), but c'mon! A little warning would have been nice. I can't help thinking that the destruction of Collinwood wouldn't be a bad thing at this point...

Three things that annoy me more than Sarah Collins' singing:

1) David and Hallie are a match made in Hell

Here's their attitude: "Oh, we're going to be turned into dolls and forced to live in this doll house for the rest our existence? Oh well...what are you gonna do? At least we won't get in trouble..."

What the hell?! You're going to be turned into freakin' dolls! Tell someone about the ghosts already! I've never seen two people so resigned to dying...

2) Sabastian Shaw: Reluctant Hippie

Sabastian knows the children are going to die...he doesn't want them to die...yet, he says NOTHING! He shows up at Collinwood every single day to see Maggie (even though he never does) and he thinks about telling someone the kids are in danger and still doesn't. C'mon, already! Put on that poncho and be a hero, damnit!

3) Barnabas and Julia: Easily Distracted

Barnabas and Julia have been to the future. They know something bad's going to happen. They know the 27 signs that lead to this bad thing and yet, all Julia does is sit around reading Gerard's journal while Barnabas chases after Roxanne Drew. Do they even care about the complete annihilation of Collinwood? I think not...

The only highlight of the recent episodes was the triumphant return of PANSY FAYE! I knew we hadn't heard the last of that song! I'm gonna dance for you! Gonna dance your cares away!

And so forth...